Holidays and Hospitals

We have just returned from Turkey and it was the best holiday I have ever had.
A week of luxury living in a stunning location.

And the best food ever:

A week went far too quickly and we're already looking to book for next year.

My Zoladex implant was administered yesterday and so far, so good. I am anticipating menopausal symptoms, but lets hope they are not too bad.
27 days until stage 2 and then hopefully a relatively normal life!

For foof's sake.

I feel like I'm nearly at the end of a very long road.

It's taken the best part of 4 painful years to fix, with some very traumatic experiences, two stays in hospital and an awful lot of outpatient appointments.

I'm having an operation to remove a submucosal fibroid.

The reason, I think it has taken so long, is the hospital's tick list. The processes they have to go through to find out what's wrong, not surprisingly ending with the most expensive procedure!

I've been examined to the degree that I'm completely used to people looking at my most intimate area.
I've had blood tests, had scanners and cameras in places you wouldn't want them, had bad reactions to progesterone, had tablets to try and clot my blood, been on saline drips, suffered the humiliation of a male registrar gynaecologist who looked about 15, examining me, and cried a lot of tears.

After all I've been through, the thing that crucifies me most is that even though I can see a dim light at the end of the tunnel, my pre-op treatment will be a series of injections to help shrink the fibroid and avoid hemorrhaging, unfortunately these will bring on full menopausal symptoms, so I am going to get the lot: hot flushes, disturbed sleep, urine infections, heavier bleeding (great), mood changes (poor Mick) and joint pain.

I am expecting that it will not be a very pleasant time, but is a means to the end.

Lets hope it's fucking worth it.

3 months!

Gosh, just realised it's been a bloody long time since I've written this thing.

Soooo...what's happened since I last wrote?

Bob is now out of his crate with the run of the whole house and he seems to like it very much!

He loves being 'King of the Castle' upstairs and being a nosey neighbour looking out of the window and apart from the odd shoe chewed, he's been a very good boy. Happier dog = happer parents, and no more trips to B&Q at 9pm on a school night to replace electrical wires.

Been to see the Smiths Indeed Again. Brilliant.

Been on 2 hen dos. One was cut short by having to go to above gig, t'other was cut short by the group going to Blu Bamboo in the Bigg Market.

Been to one wedding which ended in a blooded fight between a husband and wife (not the bride and groom thank god).

The significant other had rented his house out (he is now a property magnate -whatever magnate means) and is now resident in groovy Greenside - yay!

He has also got a new job, part of which he has to travel to places 'darn sarf'.

We're still growing the Leeks, sort of. Mick put slug pellet on the leeks, which went in the leaf folds and Bob has weed on them a bit so we think they might be dying. We have other options in the pipeline though!

It's only about 10 weeks until our holiday (been a long time coming, was booked in January).

We're thinking about booking another one too, maybe over Christmas/New Year, but can't decide on abroad (hot) or Scotland (cold).

The Bob's Bollox

Well Bob came through his 'tickle-tackle' op amazingly well.

Within one hour, he was up off his slightly wobbly legs wanting to play, and by the next day he was right back to his terrier self.

We hoped it wouldn't change his personality much, if anything it's made him even more of a rascal and he still tried to hump my leg last night, the little bugger!

They are the mutts nuts...well, not for much longer

Bob's getting his nads off in a couple of weeks.

WARNING TO MEN, do NOT read on if you are squeamish about your tickle tackle.

Well, when I say off, I don't actually mean off - I mean scooped/ripped out from the inside and the 'bag' left to shrivel up. Apparently our vet has a certain 'technique' which aids healing.
I noticed that the nurse took great delight in saying the word 'Castrated' on the phone, instead of 'Neutered'.
He's going to look a lot different from the back.

We're also getting him chipped so he can find his way home when he's pissed, and as we don't actually know for sure if he's had his puppy injections, even thought the shelter said he had, he's getting those too!

Lucky boy!

He ain't nothing but a hound dog...chewin' all the time.

Just been thinking that since his Bobness is on his second day of incarceration and actually seems to like it thank you very much, why we didn't fucking do this from day one.

These are the things he has eaten in the 6 weeks he's lived with us:

1 pair of Crocs (Mick said "Good Boy")
1 Eletric Blue Gillet (I said "Good Boy" - sorry Mum! Feel so awful as she bought it for me for the purpose of dog walking)
3 kitchen drawer knobs (1 trip to B&Q)
1 plug off iron
1 plug off Fridge Freezer
1 electrical cord connecting combi boiler and thermostat (2 trips to B&Q - little shit)
2 chair cushions
2 place mats
1 coaster
1 tupperware box
1 floor mop
1 dustpan
1 cushion
4 cuddly toys
1 washing machine filter cover
1 cat flap cover
Selection of vinyl records including Beatles originals (thankfully not Mick's much treasured 'White' album)
Shisha from Tunisia (shmokin'!)
Various toilet and kitchen rolls
Spare lino from under the kitchen bench
Selection of bath stuff and the wash bag it came in (I suppose he did smell gorgeous...for a day)

Can't believe he's not electrocuted himself. Anyway we plod on and persevere, he ain't going back!

Thanks to George for the loan of crate.

Grrrrrrr....ruff!

How one sentence can piss you off so much on a Sunday morning:

Imagine the scenario......

...I'm walking Bob early Sunday morning with the worst hangover, I'm having the kind of weekend where I'm not suffering fools gladly, I'm on the home straight and meet a neighbour in the street who is obviously having his early morning stroll to buy the paper.

Neighbour: Looks at Bob and shakes his head with scorn and goes all screwy faced....."What made you get a dog?!!!" As if it is the worst thing I could have ever done. OK, it would have been completely understandable if he had said something along the lines of "What made you get a skinhead!?" Because then that would confirm that I really had lost the plot Britney style, but we're talking about a cute....ok....sometimes cute and frequently naughty puppy.

I mean...how do I answer that one without saying "What made you turn into a twat, you sad, lonely pillock!?"

Me being me, smiled and muttered something under my breath like, "Well I've had dogs before and just like them."

What a thing to have to justify, to him of all people.

One word

Where is your mobile phone? Bag
Where is your significant other? Work
Your hair colour? Chocolate
Your mother? Strong
Your favourite thing? Food
Your dream last night? Troubling
Your dream goal? Family
The room you're in? Freezing
Your hobby? Worrying
Your fear? Death
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Greenside
Where were you last night? Home
What you're not? Smoking
One of your wish-list items? Health
Where you grew up? Welwyn
The last thing you did? Talk
What are you wearing? Jeans
Your TV? Off
Your pets? Cute
Your computer? Slow
Your mood? Pondering
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? Old
Something you're not wearing? Socks
Favourite shop? Charity
Your summer? Please!
Love someone? Loads
Your favourite colour? Blue
When is the last time you laughed? Today
When is the last time you cried? Yesterday

Times they are a changing

This is Bob....

Bob is an 8 month old Patterdale/Fell Terrier.
He was in the Cat & Dog Shelter for a week after being brought back by a family who said he pulled on his lead.
We adopted him on Saturday and he'a a lovely boy. Just needs lots of exercise and consistent training.

Day 2

• One lozenge
• One piece of gum
• Worried about the possibility of having a drink at the weekend
• Got some sense of smell and taste back
• Can breathe better

Just totally mad

We've just booked a holiday and we're going here:




Mental or what!

"No thanks...I don't smoke".

That's it.
I given them up.

And IT FEELS GREAT!

Two and a half days to go

Until I pack up the evil tabs.
I'm really looking forward to it, but I have to say, in the cold light of day, time has crept up on me!
I know it's not going to be easy...but hey...life isn't easy (at times).

I'm looking forward to:

• Being healthier
• Tasting my food
• Not being conscious of smelling like an ashtray
• Feeling more awake
• Being less tense and stressed
• Cleaner teeth
• Getting my sense of smell back
• Reversing my abnormal cervical cells (hopefully)
• Being better off financially (£50 a month)
• Not having to go outside and freeze my boobies off outside the pub
• Not having a painful death

All these are positives.

Negatives?

Nada.

26 days.....

...and counting.

Until I give up these bloody cancer sticks.

Note to self: must remember to get Lozenges and fill in stop smoking book thingy.

It's time

I am giving up smoking in precisely 33 days.

Been considering it for a while and have many, many reasons to stop.
I've had my first cessation with the nurse, the Carbon Monoxide levels in my body are fairly low and I am in possession of a prescription for lozenges that I'm sure taste like shite, but hey, it's better than smoking.

My lovely Mick suggested it wasn't the right time to give up at Christmas or New Year's Day, so I have chosen the second week in January.

Bye bye tabs....I'll not miss you (much).

Post Sunday lunch conversation

Location: White Swan
Mick: "I definately think of roast chicken as female, and roast beef as male."

That is why I love him.

Sunday lunch ramblings

Mick: "She's a lovely bird isn't she.....I tried to take her out of the pot but her breast came away."
Me: "Will you please stop referring to the chicken as a 'she'? And no, it never had a name either, before it met it's fate."

60's Night for Children in Need - White Swan

I think we're living in the wrong decade!

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others

When I saw my Mum on Saturday we were reminiscing about my school days and I was talking about a particularly inspirational English teacher call Mr Burford-Mason.

I remember a school trip he took us on whilst we were studying the novel, Animal Farm. We went up to London to see the play at The Barbican.

Apparently when I got back I told my Mum that George Orwell was a Communist. She shook her head and said "Why is that Mr Burford-Mason telling you that?". So she proceeded to write a note to Mr Burford-Mason to tell him that in-fact "George Orwell was a Socialist and please do not put conflicting ideas into my daughter's head."

I told my Mum, at the time, that I handed said note to Mr B-M and he laughed.

The real truth is that I threw it in the bin on the way to school.

Well.... I was 14 and how fucking embarrassing would that have been?!

I have no regrets.

Even more mum-isms

Mum: "Would you like this, it came free with the Observer last Sunday?"
Me: "It's okay thanks, I've already got it, I bought the paper last week."
Mum: "It's amazing isn't it, how they can fit a whole film on a CD?"
Me: "Um."

More mum-isms

Mum: "I've just bought a new umbrella, so will you take these two old, broken umbrellas with you and dispose of them, 'cos they're no use to me?"
Me: "Um yeah....okay."
Mum: "But it's raining, so you could use one of them on the way to the car".
Me: "Um."

Mum-isms

Mum: "I'm knitting these hats for charity".
Me: "Which charity?"
Mum: "For the Indonesian Artic Fisherman, I give them to Mary and she takes to them the Catholic Mission".

Propagation and Preparation

Oh dear.
I have entered next year's Leek Show at the White Swan.
Shit.

Update....

On the 2nd January I wrote this Blog of aspirations for 2008, I've been looking back and was interested to see how things have progressed:

1) To go to more gigs - still going to gigs and loving it!
2) Get back to the gym and lose the tummy, and get fit - ah-hum I have cancelled my gym membership because I just wasn't going and I'm probably a little bit more 'well covered', but do you know what? I couldn't give a shit!
2) Cut back on the tabs - not really but hoping to give up this year.
3) Buy more music - finances have scuppered that one, but to be honest there hasn't been anything I've really wanted apart from Elbow.
4) Meet a great guy who appreciates me - have achieved that one massively, at last, and I'm in a very happy relationship with a wonderful man. I remember my Mum saying to me "You want to be adored, not ignored", and my dream has come true and just makes me realise how awful past relationships have been.
6) Eat more fruit - I am trying and for some reason it's more palatable if it's cut up in tiny slices.
7) Have a healthier year than 2007 - Things are still bad but I've not been to hospital once this year and I'm finally in a fairly regular cycle, the only downside is I get PMT.
8) To have a lovely holiday - Kefalonia and it was fab!

Here are some nice goats

Things that have got my goat.....

• PERIODS
• People using my original made up words
• Having to resort to eating the last tin in the cupboard for lunch 'Tuscan Bean Soup'
• Sneaky people
• Cars
• Being skint

There.

Good V Bad

I was feeling all evangelical and health conscious and stuff this afternoon at work, so I thought I'd try one of those green teas with lemon that my mum gave me, that I brought into work, "When Derek and Hannah came up I thought I'd buy them as Derek likes strange teas, but you can have them because they might go off by the next time they come", (translates as "Can you take them home with you (a statement, not a question), as they are taking up valuable room in my cupboard and I only drink strong, black coffee"), anyway it must be good for you, as it tasted like utter shite, so, just to get the awfully sour taste out of my mouth I had a Twix.

You know you are getting on when...

..you are talking to a lovely 18 year old lass in your local pub about the fact that you feel young for your age and say whilst grinning "I'm up with the kids me!", and she replies "Don't you mean down?".

Oh.

One thing I've learnt....

....Is that no matter how many times I pull a sulky teeenage face and tell her to stop saying it, EVERY time I see her, my Mum will tell me my hair looks better "washed and left" (i.e. wavey), than straightened.
This has gone on for at least 20 years now and will happen every time I see her.
And no, I am not going to let her have her way, as, I quite frankly, ming with curly hair.

I will just have to get used to it.

I do love my Mum.

Loonytunes

Lets hope that Karma can work it's magic and quick!

Lovely things

Life is so good at the moment - I thought I'd share what makes me smile!
(in no particular order)

• Terry Wogan on Radio 2
• Mick buying me flowers "Just because it's Wednesday"
• The White Swan in Greenside (how people from so many walks of life can be friends, and NEVER a dull moment!)
• Future plans
• Feasting on a free meal in order to write a magazine review
• Mick's Chilli Con Carne (amazing!)
• Friends adding me on Facebook that I haven't seen for years

Sunny thoughts

All this bad weather we have been having in August has been dragging people down.

I thought we would come back from our holiday to sunshine, but sadly not to be.

Lets hope we get an Indian Summer.

Anyway it's not all bad! Me and my lovely boyfriend had a fabulous holiday in Kefalonia. Absolutely stunning island with beautifully clear waters and gorgeous food. We hired a little white jeep and toured the island for 3 days.

And no, the Jeep wasn't as small as it looks in the photo...I'm just tall!

The beer was very good!

And so were the cocktails!

Back to normality

There's not a spare moment to write all about my holiday yet, but an absolutely fab time was had, and, in the meantime, here's a piccie of the amazingly stunning Myrtos Beach:

Current weather report - Kefalonia

88 F

Yessssss!

30 plus VAT

This might sound totally obvious, but it's funny some of the things you change your mind about when you're older.
I'm 36. I don't feel 36 (or hopefully look 36 - thank the lord for all things cosmetic, and I mean of the make-up kind, not the surgery kind), and even though I still feel 21, there are certain things that, in my case I have had no control over happening ......

Nature
10 years ago, if anyone had suggested to me that we go for a long walk in the countryside, or that we go to a garden centre, or that I plant a few things in my garden, I would have told them in no uncertain terms that I would rather stick needles in my eyes, or lick a nettle leaf. Oh, how things have changed, there's nothing I enjoy better than the view of rolling hills, bedding plants and discussing anti-slug formulas.

Fairground rides
Imagine the scenario:

The Hoppings, June 1998.
It's raining, but then it always bloody does when the Hoppings come, but I don't care.
Carefree, I run to most dangerous ride, trampling everything that dares be in my path and go on it time and time again until I feel too queasy to eat anything from the attractive burger vans.

The Hoppings, June 2008.
It's unseasonably freezing, and windy, but not raining...bonus as I was worried I would look like Anita Dobson with her hand in a socket if I get my hair wet.
I notice that the only other people there are fairground workers and charvers, in abundance. I never really noticed the charverness before, I am definately getting old and I feel a bit silly because I'm frightened too.

The boyfriend looks longingly at the (dangerous) rides. I look horrified and scrunch my face up like a moody madam and steer him towards the 'Hook the duck, lose and you get a crap Taz cuddly toy, sideshow'. I win a Taz that is so shit they haven't even bothered painting any eyes on it.

Anyway, I tell the boyfriend I don't mind if he wants to go on a ride BY HIMSELF, but then say how worried I would be about him. By god...I'm not only very aware of my own mortality, I'm thinking about his too!
I think the boyfriend can see how terrified I am by the way I am grimacing through my fake smile and thankfully stays firmly on terra...um...firma. I feel like the most boring person ever, but am glad that I didn't put myself in unneccessary danger.

We then decide we're starving so go to the now not-so-attractive burger van and pay what seems to be a fortune for a burger and hotdog.
It obviously doesn't agree with me as it gives me stomach cramps and makes me sleep fitfully and dream about doing the Great North Run as a quadraplegic and Mick with long hair.

Cars
My cow print seat covers have been removed. I thought it was about time.

Wise Words

If something happens to you that is so amazing and incredible, don't hold back.
Embrace it with all your heart.

You may never get it again.

Los (bloody) Escarabajos

I don't know which orifice the little feckers fly into my house through, but, as I have observed before, living next to a field has its negatives (as well as it's positives), such as the tiny beetles who come into the warmth of my house to die. Yes...DIE.

They crawl up the wall in my hallway and then DIE and dive bomb onto my laminate floor/carpet on a daily basis. I swear I can hear a loud 'klod' when they do that, as they are the Meschersmitts of the beetle world.

I was getting sick of getting the hoover out just for that purpose every day to stop my walls and floor looking like a 'dot to dot', so the lovely boyfriend suggested I buy a cheap hand held hoover. Why do I never think of the most obvious things?! I think it might be because I'm a pisces actually.

Needless to say it rocks and the house in Greenside next door but one to the field, 3 streets down from t'pub is a beetle free zone!

Uncertainty

Strange day yesterday, my life flashed in front of my eyes.

Coming back from Greggs on the Quayside, I was just about to drive under the Redheugh Bridge when I saw a gaggle (for want of a better word) of Charvers lurking about on the bridge. One of them had a brick in his hand ready to throw on top of my car.

I screeched to a halt, quickly reversed to safety and watched them intently until they slowly swaggered their way into Newcastle.

I waited a good while until I knew the coast would definately be clear and then drove my Micra as fast as it would accelerate (not very) under the bridge until I was home and dry.

I was pretty shaken when I got back to work and my mind was working overtime with thoughts like "What if" etc etc. Then I started to worry about my fellow citizens so I rang the Rozzers.

"What did they look like?" asked the WPC
"Pretty much the same" I replied.

Well, they were Charvers, who live in the world of non-individuality and Barbour caps.

Boirds

This is Horatio (and me....I don't have a picture of Horatio on his own).

I love Horatio.

Horatio is a Hawaiian Goose.

I wanted to adopt him but you can't adopt individual birds at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust 'cos they might fly away and stuff.


Shucks.

The best drunken photo ever no. 1

The best drunken photo ever no. 2

The best drunken photo ever no. 3

And here's another one...

the love of my life......

Ow

My head hurts today.

We celebrated Kristen's 30th last night at Fujiyamas.

It hurts to type, but here's a picture:

The Lynch Mob

Wrong time of the month

Something has riled me..... I am seeing the red mist of riledness.
This doesn't happen often and I'm going to say why for once - I have had to submit a general list so it's kind of hidden and no, I won't be giving prizes for guesses.

What drives me bonkers mad

• Taxi drivers honking their horns
• Periods and PMT
• Wasps
• Next door's cats shitting in my garden (my Mum bought me an anti-shitting plant and guess where they have been doing their pooing? That's right!)
• Those little flying beetles that I get in my house at this time of year because I live next to a field
• Those big spiders that I get in my house because I live next to a field
• Selfish, insular people
• People who undermine others and butt in, in order to 'big themselves up'
• Men who treat women in a derogatory style
• Incredibly itchy skin caused by sunburn and too many creams

What doesn't drive me bonkers mad

• Earl Grey Tea
• Honesty and integrity
• The boyfriend
• Cake
• Gin & Tonic
• Sunshine
• Music
• Wearing Summer clothes
• Dogs
• Food in general but not carrots
• The fact it's only about 7 weeks 'til our holidays
• My Mum
• My friends and all the lovely people in Greenside

Hormones anyone?

The Smiths Indeed, Carling Academy 2, 9th May - Post Mortem

I couldn't wait for lunchtime to arrive today, when I could partake in one of my favourite things....writing about gigs, so here we go then!

I'd heard from the boyfriend and read that 'The Smiths Indeed' were possibly the best Smiths tribute band out there and I was well excited when he asked me to go with him!

The lead singer wandered on stage clutching a massive bunch of gladioli and after spinning them round his head a few times, lobbed them into the eager audience.

He looked quite a lot like Morrissey wearing those specs, slightly shorter and a tad thicker set, but carried off the quiff well. There was a Johnny Marr lookalike too.

I won't go through the set list as, well, they did pretty much every song in their repertoire, including my favourites Frankly Mr Shankly, Cemetery Gates, Girlfriend in a Coma and Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. They did a good encore too with 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out'.

On the whole, musically, they were excellent and all the riffs and melodies were down to a T, there were however, a couple of occasions where the intros were slightly off and it wasn't until 'Morrissey' started singing we recognised the song. His voice was great, but it did slightly lack the nerdiness that only the real Morrissey could pull off.

There was a real camaraderie in the room and it was sing-song heaven, especially for myself and Mr Burns, who made a real effort in wearing a Morrissey-esque shirt hanging out. I did have to draw the line regarding wallflowers hanging out of his back pocket though, mostly to avoid us having our heads kicked in when we went for a drink in The Star.

Value for money? Excellent. I felt 14 again.
As Mick said (about 10 times)..."Ten pounds! I would have paid twenty!". Aw.

My name is Rachel and I'm a.........

Roxyholic.

Now, I kind of liked them when I was a young whipper-snapper, in the days of frilly shirts and Rubix Cubes, but the lovely Mr Burns has re-introduced me to, quite possibly, the sexiest music I have ever heard.
Yeah, I know Bryan Ferry is a right smoothie and a charmer (even now), but how on earth could Jerry Hall dump him for Mike Jagger - I just don't understand it.
I guess I like blokes with floppy hair and intense, brooding looks.

I'm going to have to wean myself off them slowly, as the last thing I want is to be totally sick of the album before our holiday.

The land of Mandolins.....and Feta

Me and the fella have booked a holiday! Somewhere I've wanted to go for a while after I watched Captain Correlli's Mandolin.

OK, the ending of the film was utter shite and Penelope Cruz's and Nicolas Cage's acting wasn't the best, but how stunning is Kefalonia! Wow!

We're staying up a hill, and seemingly there are breathtaking sunsets and the water is crystal clear so hopefully we will be able to snorkel at our hearts content!

Only 8 weeks to wait until..... (and here is one of my lovely bullet point lists - I like lists me...in no particular order):

• Baked Feta
• Olives
• Mythos
• Snorkelling
• Sun
• Sand
• Kleftico
• Old fellas playing guitars
• Laughter
• Love
• And by far the best thing - spending all that time with Monsieur Burns

5 days....

..of pure Bliss.

Mostly consisting of Jules and Steve's nuptuals, Kristen and Chas' engagement party and lots of quality time with the very lovely Mr Burns.

And no work.

Yess.

Life's possibilities

I thought I was kinda happy before, but I really didn't think it was possible to feel this ecstatic.

Favourite Shameless Quote

Debbie, love. You're as miserable as Morrissey eating Kentucky Fried Chicken at an animal rights festival. - Frank Gallagher

New Word Time!

'Observating' = to observate

Example: "I was observating the Ross/Marcel relationship on Friends the other day and you're right, it's shite".

By the way...allegently (that's a mixture of apparently and allegedly) I am most like Phoebe. Smelly Cat anyone?

Which Friends character are you?

That's another fine mess.......

This weekend I went to visit my Mum in Richmond. It was really great to see her - but she always gets so sad when I leave, although I'm only, like, about 45 minutes away. I get sad too but I know it won't be too long until I see her again.

We went to the Theatre (most complete Georgian Theatre in the UK) to see a one man show about Stan Laurel. It was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever seen. Stan Laurel is from Bishop Auckland and went to King's School in Tynemouth, yet the actor kept referring to Cardiff for some reason (I think it might have been because he was Welsh). I really felt like I had the wool pulled over my eyes, if it wasn't for good old Wikipedia I would have forever thought Stan Laurel was a Welshman. It should have been on TV. It was pretentious, self indulgent and more cringeworthy than The Office. I'm, sure, however, that the actor really enjoyed it.

Anyway - we got a lovely Yorkshire ice-cream at half time and prayed that there would be only one interval, after deliberating, we decided enough was enough and that we would have more fun at the International Tumbleweed Blowing Festival, than have another 40 minutes of pure torture so we went home.

But, as I'm into positive thinking - and every cloud had a silver lining and all that - it gave me the following:

• Half an hour of head space to have a lovely think, file the recent madness into the big (!) archive at the back of my brain.


• Got chatted up in the bar before hand by a lovely old man "I'm 86 you know!". He had just bought a brand new Toyota Yarris.

Mon dieu.

I survived!

Another trip the dentist and another filling!

After flicking through numerous copies of the Reader's Digest in the waiting room for 20 minutes without actually reading a word, and counting the number of kiddie's toys in the plastic container. I walked into the surgery, legs slightly jittery.
"How are you?" said the (just graduated) dentist.
"I'm dead nervous" says I, nearly vomiting, "It doesn't get any better the older I get, mind you I don't have to have the happy gas any more when I have a filling."
"It definately it gets worse the older you get" quipps the nurse.
"Thanks" I reply, Bitch.

Anyway, I was dead brave and luckily, regardless of what she says, I did feel grateful that the nice chubby older nurse was there instead of the thin, young one who makes me feel really insecure. They've gone all modern, I had to wear these rather cool shades (that steamed up) and the dentist wore this funny clear mask thingy that reminded me of Ice Hockey players.

Having shit teeth runs in our family, luckily I'm not as bad as my Mum who has exploding nerves. She even has to get the bus to Darlington to go to her dentist and I would hate that - even longer build up to feel anxious.
So thats a filling in every tooth of mine except those front ones and the canines.
Won't be long until I have dentures/veneers!

My Easter message to the nation

Things I never thought I'd be hearing in a month of Sundays No. 2

Rickaaaaaay and Bianca are returning to EastEnders.

Mon dieu.

Heather Mills......

Shut. The. F*ck. Up!

Why are you drawing attention to you and your daughter by your constant ranting if you wanted the judgement from your divorce kept private?

Erm thanks.

FridaySaturdaySundayMonday

I love the Easter weekend.

4 luxurious days off without having to take annual leave. Yesss!

Loads of time to do stuff I don't normally have the chance to do, like take my car to the carwash, trim my bushes (!), make cupcakes, and do loads of other mundane things.

I don't quite know what I'm doing yet....might go and see my Mom, go out for a few drinks and some food, dependant on if my new bank card arrives by then.

I'm definately going to watch Control. And do egg jarping and things.

In versus Out

Is it better to let your feelings be known and bear your soul to another person, and take the risk that they don't feel the same and that you'll look like a prize knob, or keep them locked deep within for fear of being hurt?

It's only money but.....

To the person who took my purse on Saturday night, or found it and took the cash out and disgarded it without taking it to the Police Station:

Let Karma do it's thing!

I so hope I'm wrong.

Surprises

Things that I never thought I'd be hearing in a month of Sundays no.1....

Jules is getting married.
Whhhaaaaaaatt??!!!!!!!

How on Earth....

...did I get to be 36 (on Monday)!!!!

My birthday has pretty much always been a wild affair, lasting over quite a few days, and this year is no exception.

My Mom came up from Yorkshire to spend a couple of days with me. We went to see French & Saunders who were absolutely brilliant. My cheeks are still aching from laughing so much.

A jolly grand day in Hexham and Corbridge followed that, including a lovely lunch in the Black Bull.

Back at work today and I got lots of lovely cards and pressies from everyone, including Choccies (M&S), Wine (M&S), and Vouchers for MetroCentre so I can buy lots of scrumptious clothes.

Tonight - Probably sleeping and maybe going to the White Swan later on.

Tomorrow - I'm going to Jesmond/Town with me marras Susan & Lee.

Sunday - recharge batteries and eat lots. And do my washing. And ironing.

Monday - my actual birthday, I'm working but it'll be OK. (Be nice to me everyone!). Followed by a few shandies.

Thursday - La Vina with the girlies from work.

Friday - Rehab.

Mystery moments

I've been feeling dead weepy lately, and no, I don't think it's my hormones!

Things that have made me cry, in no particular order, this week are:

• The night long, crazy dreams about my previous life (and I don't mean I've been regressed!).
• Red's passing.
• I cleaned my windows and it started to rain.
• Being 36 on Monday, yeah, I know..I'm not exactly old, but every year on is a year away from the 'fertile-ish' zone. If you catch my drift. Just don't want to miss out, that's all.

R.I.P Red

Red has gone to Rainbow Bridge.

I was so glad to have known her, a very special, gorgeous, smiley, waggy tailed girl. One of those 'miracle' greyhounds who found much happiness in Jules' lovely home.

Don't forget to breathe.

What. A. Week.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

Hopefully.

Been a canny while....

....since I posted.

It's not that I've been unhappy or anything, I guess I've just been taking stock of my life, working out what I want, archiving thoughts, experiences and feelings into that big (?) filing cabinet in the back of my brain, plus I couldn't think of anything to write as I haven't been that inspired really.

Anyway a few great things have happened to be in the last few weeks and if you don't mind, dear interweb, I'd like to share them - in no particular order:

• I've been promoted at work, been a long time coming, but I got there and boy did I celebrate big style at the weekend. A couple of weeks in the Priory wouldn't go a-miss.
• I've had my cavity wall done and my loft, so my house is very snug and warm and my walls no longer have black bits on them.
• My Timbaland CD finally arrived from Play.com (it has 'Parental Advisory Explicit Content'), how cool is that? I'm down with the kids man.

Note to self...

...If you want to not have crazy dreams, stop eating cheese of an evening!

Crikey

Somethings just occured to me.
I have no gigs booked in, like AT ALL, and it's already the 6th February.
Anyone fancy going to see Gogol Bordello at the Carling? They are Romanian gypsy folk punk.

Form an orderly queue.

The Opposite to Man Flu

The Yorkshire Tea Mantra

A nice cup of tea
Is acknowledged to be
An instant remover of sadness

It enhances life’s fame
And infuses the frame
With a feeling of job and of gladness

(thanks Kristen, or Wes' Grandad)

It's Kev!

Kev is back at St. James' Park.
I wonder if he'll get a perm in honour of returning?

Hmmm

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand Binary, and those who don't.

Cat or Dog?

Stitch

It's Upon Us!

Hippy Glue Ear!!!

Now that 2008 is upon us, I have been thinking about making my New Year's Resolutions and... thought back to the ones I made in 2007. Thank gawd for Blogs! Anyway, I had a butchers to see how many I had achieved from last year.
Here goes:

2007

1) To go to more gigs (not bad so far as I have tickets to The Killers and Keane)
Yes, 12 to be exact - not bad going!

2) To be happier.
Erm debatable; happier than 2006, but still working on it, 2007 was a bit up and down in that department, especially the lurve life.

3) To dry my dishes after washing them and not just leave them to drain.
Well, I was told afterwards that drying them with a tea-towel actually puts germs on. So no.

4) To dream up delicious and exciting recipes using inexpensive ingredients such as a tin of kidney beans and Spam or something (I have no choice, as once I move as I will have to watch the pennies)
Not with Spam so much but my cooking has definately got better, and I baked some buns for the first time this year. With purple icing on. Everyone laughed at them.

5) To be more patient
Definately haven't achieved that one.

6) To hoover the inside of my car, as it still has sand on the floor from Spain
Achieved.

Here are 2008's

1) Get back to the gym and lose the tummy, and get fit
2) Cut back on the tabs
3) Buy more music
4) Go to (even) more gigs
5) Meet a great guy who appreciates me
6) Eat more fruit
7) Have a healthier year than 2007
8) To have a lovely holiday

Let's see how many of those come true!

Yuletide message

Crappy Pissmas Everybody! Can't wait until it's all over!

How many?

I've just totted up how many gigs I've been to this year and it's 12.
Not bad going really! Should have been 13 if the power at the Irish Centre hadn't conked out!

Here's my list 'cos I like lists:
The Killers
Keane
Lionel Richie
Diana Ross
Australian Pink Floyd
Hayseed Dixie
The Twang
Kt Tunstall
Editors
Take That
The Kaiser Chiefs
Bruce Springsteen

Hidden Benefits

The consultant at the hospital strongly suggested I take a relatively high dose of Evening Primrose Oil, every day to help try and even out my hormonal cycle a bit.

So I bought a job lot on Saturday and did some research on the internet for what else they were good for. Didn't anticipate the whole, long list of benefits that appeared before my eyes.

Ready?

Properties: Anti-aggregatory, anti-atherogenic, anti-inflammatory, anti-oxidant, anti-proliferative, anti-thrombotic, vasodilator.

Indicated for: Acne, allergies, arteriosclerosis, asthma, cholesterol regulation, chronic headaches, diabetic nerve damage, dermatitis, eczema, hyperactivity in children, high cholesterol, impotence and female infertility, inflammation, lupus, multiple sclerosis, prostate health, psoriasis, obesity, rheumatoid arthritis, rosacea, scleroderma.

Treat Alzheimer's-related memory deficiencies, upset stomach.

Nourish nails, scalp, and hair. Prevent alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Relieve the discomforts of PMS (premenstrual syndrome), menstruation, endometriosis and fibrocystic breasts. Minimise premenstrual breast tenderness, irritable bowel flare-ups, and carbohydrate cravings, and help to control endometriosis-associated inflammation.

So I'm going to be brainier and slimmer, my skin is going to glow and my carb cravings are going to dwindle!

Wow! If it promises to help in all those areas I can't think of a reason for anyone not to take them!

Watch this space.

At the moment I am liking......

• This all enveloping Christmassy feeling
• The fact I've put my Christmas Decorations up
• Spending time with Ben (even though we're just good friends)
• My new Sugababes Album (have I no pride?)
• Hog Roast Rolls with plenty of apple sauce
• The fact that I don't have to go back to the hospital for 6 months - woo!

Lardass!

A politician has claimed that the reason this country is so obese, is that the width of a standard slice of bread is getting thicker.

How ridiculous! It's the fact that most people eat 10 slices in one go, that makes them fat!

Friday Rant

Why is it that being a single woman, friendly to people and not ugly, makes some men in my local village pub think they have the f*cking license to target me with a barrage of derogatory comments.

Is it because they are assholes?

Comments welcome.

Phobia Slightly Subsided

Had my tooth fixed yesterday. I was dead brave but didn't get a sticker.
The dentist was lovely and made an extremely terrified person feel (a little bit) at ease.
Shame you have to pay for the privilege of being that scared.

Please. No-one. Ever. Offer. Me. A. Pork. Scratching. Ever. Again.

K?

Fab Four

Went to see Take That last night with the lasses from work.
Only one word to describe it......

Phantasmagoric!!!

Obstacles

Just when life seems bad enough, it throws me another pile of poo to deal with.

Last night I was a bit bored so, after deliberating for about an hour, I decided to see if Jules and Steve were in the local.

Sure enough, they were, and after a while their take-away arrived and they left for home.

After smelling their food, I was feeling quite peckish myself, so I ordered a packet of Pork Scratchings.

About half way through the packet I heard an awful crunching sound and felt a strange sensation in my mouth and then oh god..."My tooth has just snapped in half". I must have eaten the half that broke off because it wasn't in my mouth.

I am SO annoyed with myself....."Why?" I hear you ask. Because: about 8 years ago, exactly the same thing happened after eating Pork Scratchings to an upper molar (it's the downstairs one this time) and it cost me a small fortune in Titanium bridging to 'next door' tooth.

I am also absolutely petrified of the dentist. In fact, I would rather watch a Cliff Richard concert than get my teeth drilled. It's THAT bad.

I rang my old dentist "Yes, Mrs Jones, you are still on our books". The fact that I have been divorced, moved country, changed jobs and moved house 3 times since I last went to the dentist, just shows how long it's been. Unfortunately no emergency appointments to be had, so I am booked in for 7th December and will ring up every day at 9am to see of there are any cancellations.

The only good thing is that I'm not in any pain, which is a bonus.

Int blogging brilliant!

The words 'theraputic' and 'cathartic' come to mind when blogging.

Putting your innermost thoughts out there for all to read isn't too bad (not that many people read this anyway).

It's got me thinking that I might try writing a book.

One day.

Change

If I could hold you close, like you were never gone, if I could hear your voice, you’d tell me to be strong.
But sometimes I just can’t, I just don’t understand, why you had to go, I guess I’ll never know.

Isn't it funny how you think you’re gonna be OK, 'till you remember things aren't going to be the same again, isn't it crazy how you think you’ve got your whole life planned, just to find that it was never ever in your hands.

You don’t see it coming, when the future comes knocking, it can make you and break you too.

You've got no choice, you just have to make it through.

La Neige

I saw an teeny weeny bit of snow this morning as I drove into work.

How lovely.

Back in the land of Singledom

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am now sans boyfriend.

I mustn't be a bad catch, because within a week friends are trying to set me up!

Shame I've gone off fellas!

Never trust a man...

...with a combover.
If he's lying to himself, he's most certainly lying to you too.

Please

James Blunt.
Jeremy Vine.
John Burton Race.
Fart Turden-Smith.
Anthony Worrell-Thompson.
Men who wear thick, square, black rimmed glasses to try and appear all creative and cultured.
Men who grow lip warmers to try and appear all creative and cultured.

Give it up.

Posts postponed

If you don't see any posts for the next few days, don't worry - I haven't left the country/joined the army/fallen down a mine shaft.

I just need to come out the other side before I can write again.

PR Hippy

I have to say I am loving Lynne Franks in 'I'm a Celebrity'. Inspirational woman, started out as Janet Street Porter's secretary (!) and now a very successful business woman. Have a look at her client list - blimey!

I loved it when she was doing her chanting (apparently she is also a lifestyle Guru).
Ant & Dec inevitably took the mick out of it:

Ant: "Let's chant. Han ner hey han ner hey yah, han ner hey yah....."

Dec: "I can think of another chant we do....Toon toon, black n white army, toon toon, black n white army."

An apology

To the mouse I ran over yesterday on the way to the deli:
I'm sorry it was an accident. I thought you were a leaf. Otherwise I would have done an emergency stop.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to turn this bad Karma into good Karma, in a 'My Name is Earl' kinda way?

Things that are making me not so happy.

• Wet logs
• Morning traffic
• Being skint
• Still being a bit deaf in my right ear
• The streetlight being off next to my house
• Condensation

Spam email of the day

Chadwick's mountainous shlong
Received by Clare

Men who you fancy... but shouldn't.

This list has been compiled by me and my friends (not just me).

• Gordon Ramsay
• Dennis Waterman
• Marco Pierre White
• Ian McShane (Lovejoy)
• Phil Spencer (Location Location Location)
• Nick Knowles (DIY SOS)
• Max Branning (Bradley's Dad in East Enders)
• Roy Keane
• Jonathan Ross
• Eddie Izzard
• Simon Cowell
• Paul Merton
• Ian Hislop
• Alistair McGowan
• David Walliams
• Joaquin Phoenix
• MacKenzie Crook
• Gary Barlow
• Richard Hammond (Hamster Oddball)
• Sportacus (from CBeebies)
• James May
• Axl Rose
• Thom York (Radiohead) - OMG!
• Chris Moyles
• Scott Mills

PC gone mad.

We got some invitations sent to work today for a 'Jack Frost' evening at a local bar.
This was the list of entertainment:

Christmas Vodka Luge, Little People, Fire Breathers and Chocolate Fountain.

'Little People'?

**Edited to add - Ben if you want to go it's on Friday evening**
Snigger

Don't you just love spam!

I got this today:

Hello dear rachel
promise her you will make your dick bigger

Is rachel a boy's name too? I never knew that!

Posts

I've just been looking at how many posts I've averaged per month.
Isn't it funny that the happier I am, the more I feel inspired to post on my blog.

There may not be many in the coming months, but I can't be sure yet.

Yessssss

The bestest news for ages and believe me, I needed some!
Jules is doing a 'me' and coming back to work next week.
Morecambe has got his Wise back.

Corfu Canine

While we were in Corfu, this beautiful beasty turned up on the beach out of nowhere.
The reason it was such a mystery is because we got to know the various semi-strays as the week went on, such as 'The Jewellry Shop Dog', 'The Triplet Taverna Cats' and so on, and as this happened on our last day and due to the size of the thing, we would have noticed it's existance.

It lolloped onto the beach, managed to get itself caught in the cord of Ben's parasol (sounds gayer than it actually is), Whilst Ben tried to free the hound, I helped a lot by shrieking "Be careful it might bite you!"
Anyway, said dog was freed but no owner was to be seen. To be honest I thought he would have run off, scared by his Parasol Capture Adventure but he proceeded to sit down right next to us and dig.
This was no ordinary digging, he dug and dug and dug, a long line until he nearly reached the shore line. I'm still not quite sure what his goal was; a) to dig a deep hole to bury his rock, or b) to dig and dig along the beach to find a nice spot of sand to cool his bottom.
Then he turned round.
I was lying on the sun lounger, as you do, on holiday, but the dog didn't know that, well either that or he was having a laugh. Anyway I got COVERED in sand. Cue lots of people from countries that couldn't be fathomed by their accents, laughing at me.

Photos taken by Ben.